HOW TO TELL OTHERS HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN

Wear clothes 2x too small or, perhaps start exploring the childrens/toddlers section again. Your breath may be restricted but think of all the chances to mention your “growth spurt”.

When socializing in a large group, isolate the youngest group there and cling to them like an oyster. Then make eye contact with your target peer group while simultaneously pointing your finger vigorously and rolling your eyes—mouth agape. Once your finger begins to feel sore, return to your peers and say, “It’s like talking to an alien!”

Drink Guinness. Pretend to like it.

Watch the stock market, make sure someone sees you. Complain regardless of the state of things. It doesn’t matter anyway, you don’t have any stock. Maybe some chicken stock though...

When at concerts, ensure that you have floor tickets. Throughout the concert, bounce and rub your joints while exhaling deeply. If it feels right, drink your beer while sitting on the ground. You're old but not so old you care about germs yet. 

When making a purchase, ask the cashier if there are any coupons or deals. If it involves an email sign-up, then do it, but if it involves physically cutting one out, don’t. (Also where did you find a physical coupon?)

Make a doctor’s appointment and block the time out on your professional and personal calendar a year in advance. As the appointment draws nearer, clearly remind others of your availability due to your preventive care appointment.

When shopping, request a clerk as soon as you walk and express your desperate need for natural fiber materials. Exclusively natural fibers. And make sure to state that this is both for the sake of your comfort, and the many ethical positions you support. 

Wear a hat. 

Wear a hat with a feather. 

When in any ride-sharing experience, confidently explain the best route while in a completely strange neighborhood. If necessary, discreetly tuck a wireless bud into your non-visible ear and repeat the directions your app tells you.

Refuse to pay a coat check.

Always bring an excess of supplies when going to work at a cafe or other public location. It is imperative that you have enough to claim your stake over the entire table. It is suggested that this includes a pencil cub. 

Order your coffee sweet and light but maintain a firm stance against Starbucks concoctions. 

“Quit” social media...for a week and then desperately download it back in secret. Don’t post for another three weeks. 

Find your soulmate on a dating app. Then find another. 

Get a generic tattoo, but attach it to a deeply sentimental story from your childhood that no one but you will ever care about. 

Use retinol cream. 

Call your grandma and tell her you’re sorry. Make sure someone sees you.